Should I ...

So lost

golddust32 — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:28:33 -0700

I am in an impossible situation and really have nowhere to turn. If you have any advice, experience, or suggestions please let me know!

I have been dating my boyfriend (let's call him Steven) for about two and a half years, but we have lived together for just under a year. He is absolutely wonderful, he treats me like a queen and I could not picture a better person to spend my life with. However, my sexual attraction to him has gone from dwindling to practically non-existent within this past year of living together. He is a great looking guy and whereas I used to find him very sexy, I now just look at him as my best friend who I sometimes sleep with, rather than my lover that is also my best friend.

Insert issue number two: I am, however, incredibly attracted to someone else, let's call him Michael. We dated briefly in college but went home for summer vacation and both came back with significant others; basically we have always had strong chemistry and been great friends, but our timing has never been right. I have been seeing Michael (who is not dating anyone now) a lot lately when we are out with mutual friends, and when Steven was away this past weekend, I saw a lot of Michael. There was absolutely no cheating but it was clear to both of us that the attraction was very much still there, and I began to fill giddy again. I have not been so excited and attracted to someone in so long and I am having serious doubts about the relationship that I am currently in with Steven. Michael and I have talked and I have asked him to please give me my time to figure out what I need for MYSELF - and it very well may not include him. But I haven't slept in five days and my stomach is in knots, he's constantly in my dreams and in my head at all times.

After my fabulous (but no cheating!) weekend, I told Steven that I was having doubts and that I was unhappy. He was shocked and devastated, asking me what more he could do, what did I need from him, he would give me whatever I wanted. This only made me feel more guilty. I just cannot stand to hurt him because he truly deserves a woman who loves him 100% - and I don't know if I am that person anymore.

I've spoken to a lot of my older and married friends, who tell me that around the 2 1/2 year mark comes the "disillusionment phase" where you have to make a real effort to care about your significant other...and that if I leave Steven for Michael, 2 1/2 years into a relationship with Michael I will be in the exact same position.

I wake up every day with my mind set to "tell Steven it's really over" and go to bed in Steven's arms telling myself that I am crazy to leave such a good man. I know the only person who can really decide what to do is me, but any suggestions/advice/ANYTHING would truly be appreciated.

Both are GREAT guys - who would have ever thought that deciding between two great guys would be so heartbreaking?

Should I leave - boyfriend with drug issues

taggart — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 08:06:53 -0700

I’ve never posted to one of these things, so I am new at this, but I don’t really know where else to turn for honest advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 years and we have been living together for 3 years – we are both 26 years old. He has been struggling with a drug problem for the past 4 years I would say. At first it was cocaine, which spun wildly out of control and led to him hanging out with awful people and having awful things happen to him. He was able to kick that, however he moved on to oxycontin a couple years ago. I think it is worth mentioning that he grew up with a severely alcoholic father, an enabling mother and siblings that never say anything about the situation (he is the only one to ever confront his father about his substance abuse problems). His own problem has gotten better, he has been seeing a therapist since last fall, has been really working on his problem and been more honest with me, but he still does slip up every few months.

I feel really conflicted about our relationship. I feel like I have so much love for him, as a person, and as my friend, and I really want him to get better… but I feel like the spark that was there before is snuffed out. Like maybe I am not “in love” with him anymore… like I have been disappointed one too many times.

Another terrible factor that I’ve thrown in is that I cheated on him about a month ago with someone I work with. I’ve never cheated before in our relationship – I had never even felt the urge to… but this person had been interested in me for a while, and for whatever reason, I felt a special connection to him. My boyfriend was going through another slip-up, and I think I just gave myself permission to slip up as well but in a different way. I know it is a horrible thing, and I am not trying to justify it… just trying to figure out my motivations.

Lately I have been feeling like I don’t know what to do. I feel like maybe I am outgrowing the relationship, or that I am just not able to depend on him since he is so unstable from the constant fight against drug-use. When things are good and he is more himself, I feel like everything is fine… but when they are bad I just feel so unhappy and don’t know what to do about it. It is so hard because we have been together for so long, and we live together, and I know that we want the same things out of life.

I’m just a mess basically. I am going overseas to get my master’s in the fall and I don’t know what to do about our relationship. I don’t want to end it, I don’t think, but I don’t know if that is just because I am scared of being alone.

Should I leave him

helpmeplease — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:18:45 -0700

I have been living with my partner for almost 3 years, and we've been together for almost 4. We've made a nice home for ourselves but recently he told me he doesn't want to have children. Ever. I've always been vocal about my want to have children and in the past we've joked about it. But this was different and he won't change his mind.

I really don't know what to do. I can't just move out as I have no-where to go. I have 3 pets that I will take with me so anywhere I go need to accept them too. I've considered just putting up with it, but the more I think about it I know that this relationship cannot go anywhere. I won't marry him or get a mortgage with him so I know i need to move on but I just can't seem to get anywhere and I wont leave without my animals. Silly I know, but if i leave he'd forget to feed them.

I really need some advice on this as i'm totally stuck on what to do.

should I stay with him?

mrs brightside — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:04:13 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a good two years. It wasn't until recently things turned bitter. He developed a temper verbally and physically (shaking me, yanking me by the arm). and every conversation was spent arguing over something so silly.

This is the guy who knows absolutely every single little detail about me, and likewise to him I know everything about him. He told me to stick with him through his temper. Not only have I these past few months, but I find myself so frustrated and not capable of enduring this pain and keeping my mouth shut of criticism. Whether if it was nagging him about him not sending a text when he said he would, or not calling at 7 and instead calling at 3 am because he much rather take a nap and call while I'm trying to get rest for school. Am I wrong for criticising? He says he feels like he's never good enough, and might cross a boundary when he goes out.

The other night he called telling me our relationship needed to change before we start planning for our future (Moving in together, where we're going to live). I felt hurt and told him it seemed like he was about to dump me. He told me had it been any other girl, he'd have left her. But he's wanting to stick around and fix things because I'm different from the rest.

Yesterday was the first time we hadn't fought in two months. It felt incredible. We haven't spoken today as our schedules are usually filled with school and sleep. I feel hurt that he considered moving on from me. Yet maybe I should be happy he wants to stick around and fix things. The problem is, I don't know if I'm still in love with him. I feel like the butterflies that were around in the first year are hiding. I don't know if they'll come back, and I'm terrified they won't. Because I can't imagine a life without him. And I'm horrified at the idea he might not love me the same. I asked what he felt, and he said he loved me the same, but at the same time I don't know if he's just feeding me what I need/want to hear.

Thanks for reading, and for help!

Should I be going crazy?

esw — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:02:36 -0800

I live with my parents and I absolutely hate it here. I have a job but they cut my hours, so now I am looking for another one. I have to move or I am going to have an aneurysm. I have already started looking at places just to get an idea of how much I need to save up to leave. Though I am only nineteen, I feel like I have been here much too long and I am ready to be on my own.

I guess it all started when I came home from college. By then I was already used to being on my own and doing what I want. So to be back here again is like taking five steps back. I can not even imagine how I dealt with living here before. And I know many people may have it much worse than me-- I am very thankful and grateful of my parents and the things I have. It just pains me to stay here. I am the only child so I am used to being on my own. I would rather get a place to myself but I know that it would be wiser to split the rent with a roomie. But being here just really makes me want to be alone.

My parents act as if they do not want me to go even though they say they understand my strong desire to be on my own. They keep making comments about how "hard" it is out there and how they do not want to see me struggling. I know it won't be easy, but it is also not so hard and complicated either. The longer I stay, the more I hate my life. I hate it here and just gotta go--.

How am I supposed to cope??

overreacting? guy slang: violence to women

The Independent — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:34:35 -0800

This came up with the boyfriend last year and it was never really resolved. It came up again the other day. I'm educated, open-minded, don't get too easily offended and have been known to laugh at a tasteless (ie, Helen Keller) joke, which I'm sure might not make me too popular here. :/ My point being, I'm not that faint of heart, and can handle offensive jokes etc.
There are quite a few of these guy terms if you go to urbandictionary.com. The first one I heard was the "dirty sanchez," another is the "Tony Danza," and most recently we were watching a movie and the term "angry dragon" was mentioned. I asked him what it meant and he explained. I'm not going to repeat it here, it defines an act where a woman is pleasuring a man and she's physically hurt and demeaned. Most of these terms are just that...where a girl is performing a sexual act on a guy and he hits her or does some other crappy thing to her to either make himself feel better physically or just for the sheer entertainment or look on her face.
Since he explained it to me the other day, I've had a visceral response, feel revulsed, and I can't get it out of my mind. My boyfriend is gentle and is actually pretty shy in bed. I told him how it affected me, and he said he was sorry to have offended me. I said it wasn't just a matter of being "offended," it was a physical revulsion I felt when he said it. He said it's just that guys have weird senses of humor. I asked how it could possibly be found funny...the idea of your woman trying to make you feel good and inflicting pain and humiliation on her while she's doing it. He said the same way many of us find racist jokes or Helen Keller jokes funny.
This is probably where I made a mistake...I wanted him to *feel* what I felt, so he could understand where I was coming from...how severe my response was. I tried to put him in the position of the woman, for him to imagine that being done to him, and he said he "guesses" he understands. That was last night, and it didn't end well. We've been together for years, and I don't think this is going to make or break things. But is there a better way to handle this? Or any suggestions on how you'd react or talk to him about it--if at all?

IS MY BOYFRIEND EMOTIONALLY CHEATING? PLEASE SEND YOUR FEEDBACK.....

janodani — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:43:07 -0700

Here is the situation......

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we are currently living together. Before me he had a long distance realtionship with another girl and I am unsure how long that one lasted because he said they were "best friends" before they started dating and they have never had sex.

Since us being away together at college in another country he has recently reconnected with her via phone and texting each other. At first I didnt have a problem with it because they were friends before he met me. But then she started to call at all hours of the night; mostly at 1am until, whether its texting or talking.

Recently I had an intuitive feeling to check his text messages in his phone and low and behold the question he asked her in a text was, "did the guy you had sex with go down you?" and when she didnt respond to the text he then he sent her 2 other follow-up texts prompting her to respond. WHEN I SAW THIS I WAS INFURIATED!

I confronted him about the situation and we had a horrible fight and his excuses were that I didnt know the nature of the situiation and conversation and then tried to bring up things I have done in the past. Then the next day at approx. 1am he had texted her again but this time he erased the text and I happened to see his list of people he sent his last text to and thats how I found out. I was even more upset beacuse not even 2 days had paased since our fight and he was at it again, but this time I didnt know what the text said because he erased it.

I again talked to him about it. He said she had called him and realized he sounded down and asked him what was wrong and he told her everything so she was just checking up to see if he was doing ok. Well I was even more pissed because in the 2 years of being together it was like pulling teeth for him to even tell me that his head hurts or he doesnt feel well, let alone telling me whenever he had a problem about something, and with just one question he spilled everything to her.

Right now I am confused and I dont know what to think.

Where should I go from here?

anonymousgirl333 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 08:12:07 -0700

I'm lost and don't know what to do.

I just got out of a 3 year relationship this past Sunday. He ended it. We are young, still in college, but endured long distance for over a year. I was with him when he denied his father's financial help due to his over zealous desire to control him, he was there when my mother suffered a mental breakdown and CPS threatened to remove me from my home. I followed him to college, in a way, for he was the defining factor beyond scholarships in my decision.

We have seen one another through hard times and always managed to find solace in one another.

I am still completely in love with him and was living with him for the summer until my new apt became available.

He told me, when we broke up, that he was leaving me because he had lost himself along the way. He said he was so consumed by me and making me happy that he didn't keep anything for himself. He said he needed space to heal, but that there might be a chance in a couple of months.

I had made things worse during the relationship by being jealous of his time. He was torn between enjoying life and pleasing me. I would do anything to go back and alter my behavior. I didn't realize my failure until it was too late.

I tried to give him space, vacated the apt the next day, but I caved. I called him while he was out with his friends, which didn't go over well, and begged him to come back. The next morning we met, I brought him 3 dozen roses, and he said he couldn't give us another chance now, though there was a slight hope that in the future (3-4 months down the road) that we could try to start over.

Then we ended up, somehow, physically intimate and he warned me that it was only physical and nothing more. Yet, it didn't stop me.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost without him. I can't sleep, eat, or stop crying and it has been almost a week. He says he is still in love with me and can't stop thinking about me, but he says he can no longer vocalize these sentiments in an effort to allow them to dissipate. He says he doesn't have an interest in even testing the waters with other people and we have an agreement that when we feel ready to do that, we will call and discuss things first.

However, I can't keep myself busy enough to occupy my mind. We live in the same apt complex and I find myself wandering by his building every morning. I think about him every second of every day no matter what I'm doing. All I want to do is talk to him, but I know that will push him even farther away.

What should I do? Is it wrong to want to wait for him? Is there a chance he will come back? It hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I need help to get through this, I don't know or want to know how to live my life without him. We connected on every level and were madly devoted for our entire relationship.

Should I... do long distance at University

handbaghuni — Sun, 04 May 2008 02:04:28 -0700

My boyfriend and I of 7months are both going to univeristy in September, he's going to Cambridge and I'm going to London. It's two hours away and he can't leave Cambridge without written notice (stupid i know)we love each other, but it would just be me doing all the traveling upto Cambridge. We started to have the talk the other day but i got upset and went on the attack, so now I'm worried I've given him the idea that I want to break up this summer, which I don't. However I just really don't want to go to university with a broken heart, and i want to have the full university experiance, but if I don't see why i have to comprimise a relationship that is working soo well.
help is appricated!!!

should i get so upset?

dollface08 — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:15:18 -0700

my boyfriend is friends with this girl named natalie, we met when i went back to his hometown. I tried to get to know her, to like her, to be not so much friends but at least accuaitances**. Like most girls are she did not try at all. She judged by a small insignificant details, not even thinking of giving me a chance. The second we left she sent him a text that said " HOW CAN YOU STAND HER VOICE!!" that was the first thing she had to say, his reply was "patiently". I was very hurt and upset that he just let her do that and did not stick up for me. She still has nothing good to stay about me and he still talks to her.

Am I wrong to be upset when she calls or he calls her? How could you let someone talk bad about the person you love? I have stuck up for him no matter who said whatever it was. It did not matter if it was a stranger, a best friend, a friend, family or close family. I just dont see how he can still possibly talk to her unless he feels the same way about everything she says.

It just hurts so much..but am i wrong?